I’m so scared of the words. he and I know. The words float above our heads and sometimes between our kisses. We share this fear together. It’s as though a cruel joke will reveal itself eventually, under the sheets we share. Between are tangled toes and fingers and I don’t know why. But i’m scared.
He’s good isn’t he? He’s good…I speak to the Cat.
He speaks to me in my light sleep and moves, I can feel everything. When I sit up at night unable to sleep he’s awake to help me rest. What he say’s and how he say’s it, soothes my restless mind that before would not stop running like an exhausted engine.
My mind had thought of everything. Fears and thoughts that made me happy, they were mainly thoughts of him. He was right beside me. I could feel his heat and smell his scent – the one that made me turn into a thirsty Vampire -.
He takes my hand. I feel the hair on his knuckles and I think “This is man, he’s real.” And it felt strong. He makes me feel safe in his beast-like arms..
This is why i’m scared. I’m scared because he is real. I’ve never experienced happiness, pure happiness. You’d think it dumb. But for years I had been living in a fantasy. Everything about my relationships with men, or boys were folly until I met him.
I lived my life through books or ideals of a young girl. it was never real. So I was never scared to say anything at all.
These other men were play-things, you see? I teased and dressed up, said and did silly things because it all seemed like a playground with slides and sea-saws. And you must wonder. Why would you give up the playground?Or perhaps not. Here it is. A playground is all fun, but eventually you get playground dizzy and want to get away, don’t you? We are speaking of a relationship between man and woman, or same sex relationships whatever it may be. I don’t always want to be swinging or bouncing up and down, I want something stable as well. I want the clear ocean salt and the sand.
Maybe I’m still too young to understand what ‘Real’ is. Is it pure and true? Does it mean forever, and bound together? It sounds like a pretty future for a woman who see’s her future with a man she’s connected with. That’s what we do. But it doesn’t mean forever. It could just end in an instant. I believe in fate and that if it is meant to be then it will always stay or come back to you, whichever.
I’m happy now. I won’t regret my decision of being with him. I could not not be with him because I am scared of it being real.
I’ve often thought that if you meet the right person compatible enough with you that they would teach you something new, something you would have been ignorant of had you not have met them. And then suddenly you’ve learned to appreciate the things you never knew. I still believe that. They should challenge you, too.
And finally but most of all, they should just quite simply make you feel good, this is an obvious one. No one should settle or hurry ahead of time to get what they want. I think we should enjoy our age and time as it comes because it goes by so quickly!